Monday, January 28, 2013

I haven't written in a really long time. I can actually make no real promises that I will keep it up this time. I stopped writing for a few reasons 1) I took a big plunge and started grad school part time while working full time (if you have ever wondered what it feels like to tight rope walk but are afraid of heights this is a close approximation). 2) I realized that I was writing my blog for my wonderful adopted grandmother who passed away and it felt strange to continue without her. Or at least I thought that was why I did it. I think there is more to it than that. I think it also helped me feel a bit in control by allowing me to document my life.
I have always been on the fence about whether I am an academic or artist at heart. And for some reason I can't really be both. Actually I don't think of my self as an artist at all, more a craftsman born in the wrong time.
Life has been crazy and a bit sucky lately. I had to make a tough decision to take a leave of absence from school so I could be there for my family. This has been the major theme of my adult life and I feel a bit lost to still feel trapped in my family role. I find myself spending a lot of time wondering how it is ever really possible to become the person you want to in this day and age and negotiate aging and sick parents. I am young to deal with it...although not as young as I was at the beginning of this journey 18 years ago.
Taking a leave of absence was painful and hard. I feel as if I am putting my life on hold one more time yet I feel a bit like I am running out of time. Strangely I feel too old and too young for all of it.
But not being in school this term has also been a relief. In some insomnia driven haze I realized that not being in school meant I could make more things. I could let that part of myself back out. Tonight I sewed a new binding on my coat. It made me smile. It made me want to share. And so I thought I would come back here and share for any that are still listening or maybe just to hear my voice not get lost.